Jokes and Riddles

Just for a little fun, here are some clean wholesome jokes and riddles to enjoy. Do you have a favorite joke or riddle? Feel free to share it with us. 

SILLY RIDDLES:

1. Why did the bees take so long getting out of the ark when the doors were finally open? (They were in the archives)
2. How did Pharaoh's daughter come into financial gain? (She found a little prophet floating in the Nile.)
3. Who was the happiest man on earth? (Adam, because he did not have a mother-in-law) 
4. What kind of lights did Noah use at night? (Floodlights)
5. Do you know what time Adam was born? (A little before Eve)
6. Do you know who the best actor in the Bible was? (Samson - he brought down the house)
7. Do you know how long Cain hated his brother? (As long as he was Abel)
8. Do you know that tennis is mentioned in the Bible? (Joseph served in Pharaoh's court)

KIDS SAY FUNNY THINGS:

An associate minister visited our Sunday school class one morning, and asked, "What would you like me to talk about?" One child spoke up boldly and said, "About 3 minutes!"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus !" 

A child in Sunday school was drawing a picture. When asked what she was drawing, she replied, "God."
The teacher said, "Nobody can draw a picture of God. Nobody knows what God looks like."
The child replied, "They will when I get done!" 

OVERHEARD PRAYERS:

"Please Lord give me patience, and hurry."

LONG JOKES:

The Atheist in the Woods:
 One day a devout atheist was walking through the woods, admiring the towering trees and beautiful birds. As he contemplated how all of this evolved from nothing, he suddenly heard a noise behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a huge bear staring right at him. The atheist ran as fast as he could down the path, his heart pounding in his chest, the bear still right behind him. Trying to jump over a log blocking the path, he tripped and fell. He was certain he broke his leg. As the bear hovered over him, he cried out, "Lord save me!" At that moment, all time stood still. A deep voice came from above saying, "Why should I save you?" "I have broken my leg, and cannot run!" said the atheist. "The bear will surely eat me!" The voice from above replied, "All of your life you have rejected me, and have persecuted my followers. Only now that you are about to die do you want to be a Christian." "You are right, I am not worthy to become a Christian," the atheist admitted. "So can you at least make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. "I will do as you ask." Suddenly, time started up again, and the man was looking up at the bear. Then, the bear kneeled down and put its' front paws together. And prayed, "Thank you Father for these bountiful gifts I'm about to receive...
  
This Explains it:
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
...And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
...And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
...And God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the earth." So God created man in his own image: male and female. And God looked upon man and woman as saw that they were lean and fit.
...And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
...And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long an healthy lives.
...And Satan created fast food, and brought forth the 99-centdouble cheeseburger. And Satan said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Super size them please." And man gained 5 pounds.
...And God created healthy yogurt, so woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. Then Satan brought forth chocolate, and woman gained 5 pounds.
..And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream, and woman gained 10 more pounds.
...And God said, "I have sent thee healthy vegetables and olive oil to cook them." And Satan brought fourth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
...And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with a remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels. And man gained another 20 pounds.
...And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, and other vegetables low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
...And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips smothered in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
...And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery.
...And Satan created HMO's.

God's E-mail:
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to earth for a while. One day the angel returned. "It's bad on Earth" the angel reported. "95% is bad, and 5% is good."

Well, God thought for a moment and decided to send down a second angel to get another point of view. Later, when the second angel returned, God was given a similar message. "Yes, the earth is in decline, 95% is bad and 5% is good," the angel said.

God thought, this is not good. So He decided to send an e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
...Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MAY BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH:

1.  Everyone singing in the choir is an Elvis impersonator.
2.  You must ask the pastor for the keys to the bathroom.
3.  You wonder if you're attending some kind of cult when the person next to you whispers, "I'm planning an
     escape tonight, are you in?"
4.  No more Communion cups, now everyone brings their own bottle.
5.  Service was supposed to start 10 minutes ago, still you're the only one there.
6.  Clearly two thirds of the congregation is wearing horizontal striped clothing.
7.  The greeter gives you a big hug, then proceeds with a pat down.
8.  A separate collection is taken so everyone on staff can buy new Porsches.
9.  The pulpit is directly behind a sheet of bulletproof glass.
10. During the summer months, the baptismal is used as a giant ice cooler. 

THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

•Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
•Remember, it wasn't the fruit on the tree that caused all that trouble in the Garden of Eden. It was the pair on
 the ground.